The ad men
SUIT Here it is.
SUIT puts a radio on the table.
CREATIVE 1 Let me guess. Another sodding iPhone. But, no, wait! This iPhone is yellow and smells of butter. Wow!
CREATIVE 2 Pretty sure radio has already been invented, dude.
SUIT switches radio on. It plays CREATIVE 1 saying: “Pretty sure radio has already been invented, dude.”
CREATIVE 1 But wait! It records too! Ground breaking stuff, Suit!
SUIT turns the dial again. Radio plays CREATIVE 1 saying: “This agency sucks. I should be writing my film not drafting lame copy for shitty nappies.”
CREATIVE 1 Hang on! I said that at home, yesterday, to my wife, in private. You bugged my home! I’ll sue this agency!
SUIT Pipe down. We didn’t bug you. Ready to hear something incredible?
CREATIVE 2 That you’re a moron. Pretty sure we’ve already established that.
SUIT This invention can tune into anything ever said.
CREATIVE 1 Bollocks!
SUIT Big idea I know. So wrap your heads around it. There was a scientist called Babbage who said the air itself was a vast library, on whose pages are forever written all man has ever said or woman whispered.
CREATIVE 1 Very poetic. But so what?
SUIT Well, this little puppy can read all of those pages; everything everyone said from the dawn of time vibrating outward and onward like rings on an infinite pond.
CREATIVE 1 Balls!
SUIT Some proof is required. So why don’t we listen to some of your past?
SUIT turns dial. Radio plays CREATIVE 1 talking in a high-pitched voice: ‘I really love this girl, mum, I do. Samantha is the sun, moon and sky, but she won’t even go out with me. I’m lovable aren’t I? You love me don’t you mummy?’
CREATIVE 1 What! No! That’s impossible. How the hell did you do that! That was when I was, like, twelve!
SUIT Seventeen actually.
CREATIVE 1 This is mind-blowing. I think I’m having a heart attack.
CREATIVE 2 But this’ll change the world. Governments will hear everything. Friends will hear friends backstabbing them. No one will be able to lie in court. We can listen to the voice of Jesus, of God himself, oh God! People will stop talking for fear of being heard, they’ll slice out their tongues, Christ, nothing will ever be the same …
SUIT OK, OK, calm the fuck down Snowden.
CREATIVE 1 Is this legal?
SUIT Legal isn’t our problem. Our brief: come up with a name.
CREATIVE 1 iRadio?
SUIT I don’t pay you to plagiarise.
CREATIVE 2 The DOP?
SUIT Stands for?
CREATIVE 2 Death of Privacy.
SUIT Funny guy.
CREATIVE 1 Conch?
SUIT Too Lord of the Flies.
CREATIVE 1 The KGB.
SUIT Too historical.
CREATIVE 2 The CIA.
SUIT Too America.
CREATIVE 1 The ISIS.
SUIT Too soon.
CREATIVE 2 RadioBug!
SUIT Something there, go on.
CREATIVE 1 RadBug.
SUIT Like it so much I’m taking the name out to dinner.
CREATIVE 2 The Bug.
SUIT Love it. I just divorced my third wife so I can marry the name.
CREATIVE 1 Or just: Bug.
SUIT Yes, yes! I’m bonking the brains out of that name, love it! Keep going, I’m about to blow my wad all over this …
SECRETARY opens door, balancing tray of coffees. SUIT screams.
SUIT Sod off! No distractions!
SECRETARY Sorry, I’m the new secretary.
SUIT Soon to be ex-secretary!
SECRETARY Should I come back?
SUIT You should piss off!
SECRETARY wobbles; cup smashes on floor.
SUIT Who is this idiot? We’re on the cusp of naming history! You’re fired!
SECRETARY Well you’re a prick!
SUIT Do you have any idea who I am?
SECRETARY A dick paid too much to think up lame names for dumb things.
SUIT Well, if you think you’re so smart, darling, why don’t you name this? Here’s the brief: a radio that can tune into any conversation ever. There you go, sugar-tits, now tell me what you call it.
SECRETARY It’s so obvious.
SUIT Then dazzle me!
Silence. Everyone smiles at everyone else.
SUIT You, sweetheart, are a beautiful genius.
Robert Glancy is the author of two amazing and hilarious books, Please Do Not Disturb and Terms & Conditions. Don’t live a lifetime of regret. Buy them immediately.
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