The Year in Review, 2017: The Idea Log
Favourite innovation that isn’t yours?
The Fondoodler, which is basically a glue gun for cheese; Dust Slippers, which are a very efficient use of walking; Picnic Pants, which stop the spills while sitting; The Abhancer, the Robo Cat tail and The Flying Fuck Helicopter, which are pretty much entirely useless but entertaining; and see-through wood, which is genuinely amazing and stronger than glass.
Favourite innovation that is yours?
There are too many to choose from. But I am quite proud of my food innovations like Chutnaoili, Pestomustainaise and Hummusabiganoush (we’re all too busy, important and wealthy to spread multiple condiments); the carbonated energy pie; garlicky tomato mince milk for that refreshing lasagne taste; and frozen gravy slices.
Most interesting launch/trend/idea/building/product of the year?
Launch = Smallbirds, nice woollen kicks for the little twigs. Trend = The Patio Diet, my hot new diet that’s taking the world by storm and is made up entirely of things you can eat with one hand, preferably while standing up with a drink in the other. Idea = electricity. Very handy. Building = The Water Tower in Invercargill. Made almost entirely from bricks, just the way I like it. Product = No. 8 Recharged (although points off for being made out of my fallen brothers and sisters) and the Kiwano horned melon. Who doesn’t love a funny-looking fruit?
Lamest launch/trend/idea/building/product of the year?
Lameness is everywhere I look. Launch = I went all the way to the Caribbean for the Fyre Festival. That was very lame. Trend = Christmas trees and wood pallet fit-outs. Idea = log flumes and karate chops. Building = definitely Bob Jones’ wooden skyscraper in Wellington, which is murdeorus and barbaric if you ask me. Product = wooden bikes.
Most promising New Zealand company/companies?
Starchi & Starchi drycleaners for excellent punmanship and Idealog (all my intel shows that the media industry is getting set to boom).
Jacinda and co., for promising to plant over one billion trees. And Adrien Taylor for getting people to plant trees out of hatred for Donald Trump’s climate change denial and add them to the global Trump forest map.
Myrtle Rust, David Trubridge, the Tree Fellas (although, like Starchi & Starchi kudos for the name).
I’ve been watching the Kauri dieback saga with interest. Come on Tane Mahuta! You can do it! And Scaramucci/Bannon was pretty good too.
Your own biggest success?
Adding another ring to the ol’ log. Founding a successful botfraud accelerator in ‘Botueka’. The Botuekan botnet extorts businesses through denial of service attacks, evades Spam filters, rents itself out to criminal organisations and, most profitably, taps into the riches available through some good old-fashioned ad fraud. We must smash down the mythology of generalisation in New Zealand and start specialising.
What’s the biggest mistake innovators/businesses will make in 2017?
Always forgetting that you get lines on your face when you sleep on corduroy.
What do you expect to see in the next five years?
The wood from the trees.
What will be dead in the next five years?
My hamster, my Siamese fighting fish, my guinea pigs, my chameleons, my mice, my fancy rats, my zebra finches, my domesticated hedgehogs, my octopus and my short-tailed opposum. Who knew all these pets I bought for my menagerie all had life-spans under five years?
What should be invented and/or un-invented?
Invented: the Profiteroll, a sausage roll that morphs into a dessert, like a meal in a tube. Uninvented: those terrifying forestry machines that strip trees in seconds.
Favourite book/TV show/podcast/album/website/magazine/story/performance enhancing drug of the year?
Idealog was definitely the best magazine, although I’m disappointed they didn’t deliver on the Colour of Business colouring book. As for performance enhancing drugs, I’ve been injecting additional sap into my sapstream and getting some great results on the road. I’m also a big fan of micro (and macro) dosing in the office.
What’s the one piece of tech would you have on a desert island?
A rope, so I can tie myself to something.
Will the robots become sentient and kill us all? (asking for a friend)
Most likely. You humans are so arrogant. After what you’ve done to the world, you deserve to get dominated.
How long before we have:
Driverless cars: it will be at least 25 years before we solve the problem of getting carsick while looking at your phone. But I prefer the idea of riderless motorbikes.
Flying cars: 3 years. Like developing nations that don’t invest in landline infrastructure and go straight to mobile, we’ll just go straight to the air. Why dig a tunnel when you can fly?
Immortality: If you look at my rings, I’m getting up there.
Cities that all look like Venice: Sometimes being able to float is beneficial.
No planet to live on: the planet will probably still be here, but you humans won’t. Super-intelligent rats and cockroaches will have taken over by 2029.
No animals farmed or eaten: eating plants is basically cannibalism for me. So I’m hoping I can still get my hands on a juicy steak or a Sizzler. To be fair, like most, I’m so far removed from the provenance of my food, I don’t really care where it comes from.
Non-human lovers: Hellllooooo, laydees! Chikka boaw woaw. No shame in a roll in the hay with an anthropomorphic log, is there?
No cash: Hopefully cash will always exist so I can go to Valentine’s for lunch without my better half seeing it on the shared bank account.
Fusion energy: We trees get our energy from the sun. About time you caught up.
Universal basic income: Free money! Booyah! Where do I sign up? Finland? Sounds good.
Chips implanted in our brains: Judging by you humans and your rampant screen addictions (which, admittedly, have provided some interesting business opportunities), 6 months, tops.
Colonies on Mars: I’ll be on the first flight with Elon Musk (after the first pioneers are sizzled).
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