The gravitational pull of the mobile phone is strong and many modern humans are unable to escape its attention vortex. Despite most only using a few apps frequently (Facebook being by far and away the most popular), there’s got to be some more gold in them thar phones. So let’s mine it!
A revolutionary use of your smartphone’s accelerometer. Open the app, wind up arm, throw! The app will then record your phone’s speed and send the information to the cloud. The fastest throw of the week receives a 10 percent discount on a new phone.
Why waste precious battery life looking at yourself when the highly advanced NowUCMe app simply turns your phone off when activated and lets you look at your reflection in the glass. With all that smudging on the screen, it’s the digital equivalent of rubbing Vaseline on the lens to get that soft focus look.
We’ve all been there. Your phone has fallen in the toilet. You fish it out, rush for the rice, find a warm spot and hope that it comes back to life. But why waste time hoping against hope when you can download the Sorry app and have it tell you straight up – to your email, obviously – if there’s any chance of survival or whether you should just pry open your wallet and get a new phone. Can be synced with the Strikeout app.
Whether a randy teenager or a late bloomer, the lead-up to a first kiss can be a nervous time. But there’s no need to practice on the pillow anymore, like the terrible ‘olden days’. We’re more advanced than that. So download the Pashmina app and embark on an intense training regime that will ensure optimum pleasure for all concerned and cement your reputation as a smooth lothario/sultry vixen. Follow the recommended pattern on the screen with your tongue and if you hit the right buttons, the phone will vibrate violently. You’ll be pashing like a pro in no time. In-game purchases are available to proceed to other ‘bases’. Washing phone before and after training recommended.
Getting grilled by the boss at a staff party? Stuck with a strange uncle you don’t really know at a wedding? Backed into a corner by a weirdo at a nightclub at 3am? Don’t particularly enjoy the company of your partner anymore? We get it. And we’ve got it. Simply activate the X-tractor app, request assistance and a trained extractor will follow the GPS signal, force themselves into the conversation and make up an excuse to get you the hell outta there! It’s the Uber of escaping awkward social situations [as Picasso maybe said, good artists borrow, great artists steal, and I’m certainly not above stealing ideas from my colleagues if it will make me rich].