The Idea Log: Faster food

Illustrations by Wade Wu

Hi, I’m the Idea Log. Did you know wood products are New Zealand’s third biggest export earner? You did? Well, that ruins my intro. Given your surprising knowledge of our industry sectors, you’ll also know that it is a low value commodity. Speaking as a log, it’s also murderous and barbaric. So I’m here to propose a few new high-value ideas to help get our country’s A into GDP.

We live in a wonderful age, where highly delicious, highly un-nutritious salty, fatty, life-giving food is about as common as an overweight, middle-aged dad with his t-shirt tucked into his trackpants. Whether it’s grated cheese in a bag, pies baked into a pizza crust,pre-peeled oranges or Vegemite chocolate, there really is no end to the innovations/Frankenfood that bring joy to our sedentary lives. As one of the world’s great premium food producers, New Zealand is already tapping into this lazy market, but we need to tap harder. 

Feast your eyes on the future of convenience food. 

Sick of being unable to text, eat a pie and drink an energy drink all at the same time? Steak and cheeses Christ, have we got an FMCG innovation for you! Just combine the meat and drink in one handy pastry-based vessel with the new carbonated energy pie. 

Sick of biting your lasagne? Have we got an FMCG innovation for you! Just drink it in with the new extra garlicky tomato mince milk.

Sick of defrosting a whole pan of gravy for that turkey sandwich? Have we got an FMCG innovation for you! Just take out one individually wrapped frozen gravy slice. 

Sick of just eating sausages for the main course? Have we got an FMCG innovation for you! Just put some rich chocolate pudding, vanilla custard, or, during the festive season, Christmas cake and trifle, inside those sheep intestines (serve with cream). 

Sick of having to take out a variety of condiment vessels when you’re making your condiment sandwich? Have we got an FMCG innovation for you! Just use one pre-mixed bottle of Pestomustanaise, Chutnaoili or Hummusabiganoush. 

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