Business success is all about maintaining an edge and using the various tools at your disposal – whether it's technological, psychological, physiological or cultural – to crush weaker opponents and spit on their graves. Oh, sorry, what was that? Businesses need to have a heart? Social enterprise is the way of the future? The market does not know best? Pfffftt! As my dear friend Milton Friedman famously said, the only business of business is business. So here is my advice on how to do it at optimum efficiency.
Getting yourself in the right frame of mind is key if you want to party like a capitalist. Bulletproof coffee in the morning? So passe. I start the day with Irish Turmeric Plant-based Coconut Yak Butter Coffee, which is the new ‘it’ drink in the Valley. Himalayan Salted Caramel Kombucha is also renowned for its life-giving properties. Get it India! And I mean that literally, because injecting these beverages rather than drinking them will make them 42% more effective.
When others zig, I zag. So if you are truly at the top of your game and pushing envelopes, you need to move away from anything that is remotely mainstream and start a new diet fad. I recommend the gluten only diet, where a healthy sprinkling of gluten is added to every meal. Strong!
Be honest. You have a problem. You cannot ignore the gravitational pull of the phone. You pick it up hundreds, if not thousands, of times a day, and you even whip it out when you’re in the toilet. You are wasting precious opponent crushing time. So instead of bowing down to the phone, put it to use. Download my new productivity app, The Buzzness, which gives you a violent shock if you pick it up too often. Like a dog with an electrified collar, you will eventually learn the error of your ways and become more productive. Studies have shown that business success is almost always tied to classical conditioning.
When the body is strong, the mind is strong. And my body is a temple (in some cases, quite literally). Maintain optimum business performance by doing all your exercising in a house of worship. Activewear never felt so pious. Do you even lift, Buddha?
You might not know it, but you’re probably sitting there reading this totally inflamed. So take a leaf out of the Wim Hof book and do all your work with your head in the freezer, put an ice pack on your groin as you complete your latest pitch deck and/or turn the heatpump down to 16 for all meetings. As he says, the cold is a doorway to the soul. And if the team can’t handle the lack of heat, get them out of the kitchen! Soon enough you will be in business beast mode (and you’ll be heading up Mt Taranaki in your jandals in the weekend – with hardly any frostbite to speak of).
AI is typically very good at the things humans are not so good at. So put this power to use to free up your time. Find an AI that can clean your shower, go to your children’s parent teacher interviews or even make love to your partner (if that’s too far, at least let it capture your data), thereby leaving you more time to win in business.
Good workers look down. Good leaders look up. So open your eyes and expand your horizons with some macro dosing. Everything in moderation? Sad! We live in a time of plenty and the research doesn’t lie. Timothy Leary was on the money and big quantities of LSD are proven to inspire creativity, so pop a tab on the tongue before that big pitch and try not to worry about the bleeding walls. The flashes of inspo you’ll get will all be worth it.
As we are typically only doing one thing at a time, we are wasting an opportunity to do other things, so get multi-tasking. Buy some vacuum slippers and wear them while you walk around the office. Eat your lunch on the loo. Or perhaps get one of those bionic suits so you can send instructions to underlings while your exoskeleton walks you to your next meeting.
Wellness is all the rage these days. There are wellness programmes to keep staff happy, wellness tonics and tinctures to keep people on point and wellness centres to drain your cash. So take it up a notch and maintain your wellness by setting up a remote office in an actual well, where you can truly dedicate yourself to the hard work required to dominate. Be sure to keep large stocks of ginkgo, fish oil, gotu kola, magnesium, nootropics and vitamin D to make up for the lack of natural light.
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