The Gwyneth Paltrow guide to sexy times
Nepotism benefactor, Brad Pitt’s ex-squeeze and now lifestyle guru, Gwyneth ‘I’d-rather-smoke-crack-than-eat-cheese-from-a-tin’ Paltrow is fun.
From her abortive four-day attempt at living on food stamps, her ultra-necessary how-to-yawn guide, and her assertion that steam cleaning your hoo-ha is a good thing, Gwyneth Paltrow’s conscious uncoupling from reality continues to amuse.
Behold now, the new sex-themed issue of Goop. As expected, it’s equal parts weird, humble-braggy, and, quite frankly, out of your price range, plus it’s jam-packed with loose-brained nonsense.
There’s excellent advice on why you shouldn’t eat lube, the healing power of hard-to-have orgasms, and a pretty good review of a pelvic floor trainer, but the real money shot arrives in the form of the Not-So-Basic Sex Toy Guide.
Chris Martin could not be reached for comment.
If you’re the kind of person who’s inclined to watch a couple of mantis’s mating for thirteen minutes – and honestly, who isn’t? – here you go.
Come for the romance, stay for the lovemaking.
Dance for me, Briscoes lady. Dance.
The Briscoes lady shakes her little moneymaker and we refuse to pretend we haven’t been waiting our whole lives to see it.
Clean up on aisle three!
‘Interesting’ fact #1
In the 13th century, Italian tradition said that eggplant could cause insanity.
‘Interesting’ fact #2
In 19th century Egypt, it was said that insanity was “more common and more violent” when the eggplant was in season (summer, presumably).
‘Interesting’ fact #3
‘Eggplant penis’ is a real medical condition and you should go ahead and Google it right now.
So it seems that everyone from 13th century Florentines to this-thing-looks-like-that-thing-minded physicians are inclined to project their issues onto the humble melongena ovata, and modern day humans are no exception.
And...15 spectacular oatmeal cookies that are better than sex
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