The news men
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– All I Want For Christmas Is An Eavesdropper.
Where once it was Furby and Buzz Lightyear, this year’s must-have is an Eavesdropper. Santa’s elves – otherwise known as children in China! – cannot keep up with the demand. You know a toy has hit the popular culture when Kanye references it in a song:
I’m the Eavesdropper, greatest Hip Hopper, listening in on your momma and poppa!
There are stories of desperate parents paying thousand of pounds for one.
The Eavesdropper Corporation was – as always – unavailable for comment. Ironic that the folks who designed an eavesdropping radio should maintain radio silence. Religious groups are up in arms – aren’t they always! – and the government continues, in particular the Ministry of Defense, to take the Eavesdropper Corporation to court. Demand outstrips supply with a speed that leaves no time for moral or legal deliberation. Just time enough for a cautionary note: Everything you say will be used against you!
Many have re-named the Eavesdropper the Widow Maker or Divorce Device; as overheard conversations have led to attempted murder, divorce, and numerous court cases. Only people who love Eavesdropper more than children are lawyers.
Who’d have thought Pandora’s Box would be Made In China. It’s social media and Google rolled into one tiny atomic bomb. A cute red cube with eyes that glow blue when its smiling bandwidth – stretching from 2000BC to 2017AD – tunes into something.
Thankfully it’s more gimmick than spyware. Besides oceans of static, our office Eavesdropper has only found week-old small talk and backstabbing. And yes, Paul Kane on our Film Desk, I am on a diet, and no, the diet is not called Eat Your Weight In Lard!
So, Merry Christmas everyone. Here’s hoping your kids don’t realise no matter how hard they search there is no voice of Santa out there!
Tune in, listen in – freak out!
Read part 1 here.
Robert Glancy is the author of two amazing and hilarious books, Please Do Not Disturb and Terms & Conditions. Don’t live a lifetime of regret. Buy them immediately.
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