Hi, I’m the Idea Log, Idealog’s spirit ‘animal’. Did you know wood products are New Zealand’s third biggest export earner? You did? Well, given your surprising knowledge of our industry sectors, you’ll also know that it is a low-value commodity. And speaking as a log, it’s also murderous and barbaric. So I’m here to propose a few new high-value solutions to help get our country’s A into GDP.
Design thinking is all about looking at problems and devising solutions, so I asked some of my fawning acolytes to tell me about the issues that are keeping them up at night, whether big, grunty, seemingly intractable problems that may bring the world as we know it to its knees, or small, petty, so-called First World problems that may bring the world of those with not much else to worry about to its knees.
As someone famously probably didn’t say because this was on a quotes website, “creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Design is choosing the right ones.”
And to paraphrase design thinking paragon Vanilla Ice, ‘if there is a problem, yo I’ll solve it, check out the hook cause Loggy Logg will resolve it.’ No more shall we be brought to our knees!
Problem: Auckland’s housing crisis
Solution: Build a wall (or, ideally an air-conditioned dome) around Auckland to keep out the incoming hordes. Free sleeping bags and/or personal sauna suits for those unable to afford housing. Truly embrace the concept of work/life balance and live in the office sick bay.
Solution: Create an elaborate city-wide pneumatic tube and/or pulley and/or rolling log (SAD!) system that somehow transports everyone home without the need for internal combustion engines. Turn all roads into swimming pools, thereby reducing traffic because very few people have aqua cars (also perfect for dealing with overflows from inevitable sea-level rise). Solve the riddle of eternal life, therefore making the concept of time inconsequential.
Problem: The looming Apocalypse
Solution: Build a wall (or, ideally, an air-conditioned dome) around New Zealand to keep out the incoming hordes. Learn to live below the sea and/or in a hot air balloon. Befriend Peter Thiel and stay in his bolthole.
Problem: Climate Change
Solution: see ‘The Looming Apocalypse’, above.
Problem: Refugee crisis
Solution: see ‘Climate Change’, above.
Problem: Dropping your phone on your face while you’re lying down
Solutions: Build a wall around your face (or, preferably, an air-conditioned dome) for protection.
Problem: regular toenail loss following sporting activities
Solution: Titanium nail polish (in a range of stunning colours).
Problem: Gender inequality
Solution: genetic manipulation, allowing us to chop and change gender whenever we like, therefore confusing the patriarchy. Hire genderless robots and pay them nothing.
Problem: Everyone calling South Island spa town Hamner, even though it’s actually Hanmer
Solution: Create a new town called Hamner right beside Hanmer, become the mayor and lure unsuspecting tourists to your town. When they ask where the famous hot springs are, sell them a bus ride. It’s domain squatting in the real world.