5 things that prove the future is here and it’s f**king terrifying

March 15, 2016

VX Sport’s wearable tech? That’s a yes. Sexy dancing robots? Hell to the no. Electric skateboards? Sign us up! FVEY? Yeah nah.

So in the interests of journalistic balance we thought it was high time to highlight some of the technological advancements we’re not down with, some of the stuff we think is just a bad idea and a few of the things we’re currently finding downright creepy.

Things such as:

Eyeborg

When filmmaker Rob Spence lost an eye (while shooting a pile of cow dung with a BB gun, as you do) he decided to take those BB-pocked lemons and make a kind of ocular lemonade from them, beginning work on an in-eye camera protoype. The kinks are still being ironed out (unexplained fires are currently an issue), but one thing’s for certain: Ewww!

?Eyeborg Phase II from eyeborg on Vimeo.

The technological singularity

In 1993, computer scientist and mathematics professor Vernor Vinge proposed, what he called, ‘The coming technological singularity’.

Simply put, Vinge says that the creation of superhuman artificial intelligence will mark the point at which “the human era will be ended”.

Yikes.

Now Vinge likes to pen the odd science fiction story when he gets the chance, but if you think this is all just a bit of geeky speculation, think again. Many futurists are now predicting that when technology becomes capable of recursive self-improvement (that is, the ability to progressively redesign itself), or the ability to build machines smarter and more power than themselves (err, itself?), it’s a case of goodnight nurse, don’t come Monday for mankind.

Image: Vernor Vinge (existential despair not pictured).

Plug-in babies

Quickly: What’s the biggest trend of 2016?

Hyper-colour t-shirts? Sustainable, organic farming? My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2?

Nope, nope and nope. According to the Daily Mirror, the biggest trend of 2016 is sex robots:

The uncanny valley is never more unsettling than when it’s wearing a bikini.

Robo-soldiers

We’ve expressed our horror/fascination with the bastard offspring of the DARPA project in the past, but it bears repeating: these things are foul. Now the only question that remains is whether our robot overlords will be dude-, dog- or oh-my-god-what-the-hell-is-that-shaped.

I’m not a gambling man, but ten bucks says Boston Dynamics is Cyberdyne.

Wristwatch drones

If you can carry a drone on your wristwatch, you’re going to use it to take selfies. That’s just common sense.

But scarier still than mere human narcissism is surely an angry swarm of these little buggers trying to suck your blood/violate your expectations of privacy/invade your nightmares.

Dishonourable mentions

Frickn’ lasers: From Star Wars, to gigs in the early 2000s, to shooting drones down from the sky, lasers have come a long way, baby. And while shooting down drones may seem like a great way to spend a Saturday afternoon, one can’t help but anticipate the day the US starts using them to melt civilian targets.

The Robomow is exactly what it sounds like: And what it sounds like is a great way to turn the average housecat into a fine red mist in two seconds flat.