(Click here for that gloriously NSFW George Carlin link).
From that aggressively buoyant job ad to your career-change-opportunity-themed redundancy letter, euphemisms abound, and none of them good.
Every day, corporate jargon encroaches further into the English lexicon, and we think it’s time to take a stand.
So reprioritise your current action items; this is the Idealog guide to the worst of the words, the cruddiest of the corporatese and the most awful of the office waffle.
Action items – A simple ‘to do’ list, but with an air of urgency about it
Bean counter – A term you use when you think you’re cooler than the people in accounts
Coal face – The place where the programmers sit
Decruitment – To fire someone with extreme prejudice
Drilling down – Analysing an employee’s idea in detail sufficient to eventually claim it as your own
Embracing sustainability – To procure a recycling bin
Face time – What happens for two minutes prior to a decruitment
Game changing – The way you describe your product right before you lose all your money
Hot desk – What you call your desk after it’s been taken away
Human capital – The single worst way to describe a human
Imagineer – What someone with an idea for an app calls themselves
Leading edge/bleeding edge – Technology so new and cool it makes you want to evoke swordsmithery
Learnings – The plural form of a word with no plural form
Leverage – What the Mafia says it’s doing when it’s breaking your fingers/something a lever does
Luddites – Anyone who doesn’t want your app
Meeting stakeholder expectations – Doing as you’re told
Outside the box – The way you describe the thinking behind that idea you stole from Idealog
Peek behind the kimono – A phrase that’s supposed to say ‘this is revealing information’, but in fact says ‘Hey, ladies/I’m that guy/don’t leave your drink unattended’
Putting your feelers out – Posting a work-related request on Facebook
Resonate – To like something
Rightsizing – Downsizing
Salt mines – Where middle managers say they work
Serial Entrepreneur – A person who frequently starts new ventures, regardless of the consequences
Sideways – The direction things go when they go straight down
Skillset – To describe one skill as many
Three-drink lunch – A five-drink lunch
Unpack (an idea) – The preparation you do before you reject an idea
Verbing – What business does to English
Visioneering – What imagineers say they do
With all due respect – The respect you give to someone you don’t respect
Now check out part 2 here.