Idealogic: 2013 for dummies

Put a ring around these, your official predictions for the rest of 2013.

Taking each day as it comes is for mugs. While layabout schmucks like the Buddha might endorse bending like a reed as the current of time flows past, Idealog readers are made from sterner stuff, and prefer to know what’s coming down the river. So open that app or unpack that calendar, alpha male and or female, and put a ring around these, your official predictions for the rest of 2013.

idealog 2013 for dummies

February
Rob Fyfe ends months of speculation when he announces his appointment as CEO of Auckland gentlemen’s retreat, The Pelican Club. “Talk about grab a seat!” smirks Fyfe.

New TVNZ current affairs show Seven Sharp debuts; rates eponymously.

March
Jamie Oliver announces the logical next step in his cookbook series and releases 15 Second Food: Recipes you don’t even have to cook or eat.

TVNZ infotainment show Seven Sharp’s ratings drop following rival network scheduling reruns of A Dog’s Show in competing slot. Cameron Slater named as producer but fired after posting blog denouncing himself.

April
Blogger Keith Ng goes undercover in his own bedroom; discovers corruption goes to the very bottom.

TVNZ reality comedy show Seven Sharp adds TV legend Bruce Forsyth to hosting roster as ratings make New Zealand television history by dipping briefly below zero.

May
Spate of seaside abductions revealed to be due to Black Caps’ new recruitment policy of targeting up and coming beach cricketers (policy proves unsuccessful).

TVNZ home shopping show Seven Sharp switches to full-time Ah-Bra infomercials; sets new ratings record, relieves breast discomfort nationwide.

June
Kim Dotcom named to reprise Fat Bastard role in upcoming Austin Powers sequel, GCSB: The Spies Who Shagged Themselves.

July
The New Zealand Herald, capitalising on success of tabloid format, launches Herald Nano (not visible to the naked eye, but almost certainly there). Production costs plummet.

Gareth Morgan extends cat ban campaign to include entire animal kingdom; traps, neuters and euthanises self.

August
Smarmy guy from the ANZ ads demonstrates that while he may well know what we’re thinking, he doesn’t have a clue about horses, and is trampled to death by a prancing black one.

September
Paul Henry lands coveted behind-the-microphone role at McDonald’s drive through but is almost immediately dismissed for inappropriate Filet-O-Fish-related comments.

October
Idealog columnist and business consultant Lance Wiggs found murdered after telling one CEO too many what’s wrong with his company. Leaves pointed posthumous blog criticising post-mortem and funeral.

November
Apple releases iPad Even More Mini; indistinguishable from iPhone 6 unless held under UV light to reveal hologram of laughing Steve Jobs. Both models set new sales records.

Peter Dunne kicks off parliamentary year by announcing new hair and bowtie-related private member’s bill.

December
Magazine columnists nationwide run out of ideas; resort to predictions and ‘best of’ tripe.