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Ridiculous patents: Eight outrageous, bizarre inventions

Ridiculous patents: Eight outrageous, bizarre inventions
Ever had trouble spreading your buttocks? It appears that act was troubling for one enterprising individual, who not only invented a Buttock Spreader but went to the trouble of patenting it. And he's in good company

Ever had trouble spreading your buttocks? It appears that act was troubling for one enterprising individual, who not only invented a Buttock Spreader but went to the trouble of patenting it. And he's in good company.

Baby patting machine
Ideal for the busy parent, the Baby Patting Machine is “a device for patting a baby to sleep by means of periodic pats upon the rump or hind part of the baby”, and soothes the “particularly objectionable” awake and screaming infant during parent night time. All the affection of a mother’s touch, delivered with automated precision.Baby patting machine

Centrifugal Child
It’s astounding that women continue to labour traditionally, when such a forward-thinking contraption as the Apparatus for Facilitating the Birth of a Child by Centrifugal Force is patented for production.

The women is strapped onto a wooden bed with iron clasps, and propelled at such a speed to “create a gentle, evenly distributed, properly directed, precision-controlled force, that acts in unison with and supplements [mother’s] efforts”. Then, once the mothership has passed out, due to a lethal mixture of dizziness and the usual pain accompanying turning oneself inside out, the extradited infant is caught lovingly by a woven rope net, strategically placed between the woman’s legs. Welcome, junior.

Doggy dust cover
An extremely handy way of reducing the vacuuming. This full-body outfit protects clothing, rugs, and furniture of the owner from damage, while ensuring the full surface of the animal is treated for fleas and the like. It also helps rapidly dry the animal’s fur after a bath, by attaching a hair dryer device allowing hot air to reach all parts of the animal’s body. It generously offers the facial area for actual human affection, licking, sniffing, and eating, but with no such exit point – and reduces cleaning, too.

Buttock spreader
After a series of bathroom automations, we shouldn’t really be that surprised that in 2009 the patent for Toilet Seat Comprising a Means for Spreading the Buttocks was filed. “The invention aims to facilitate defecation for the user in a simple, comfortable manner [and] preventing soiling in the area around the anus when defecating. Means which are actuated (slide apart) by the weight of the user are provided for spreading the buttocks of the user during the defecation process.” Seems even the most intimate of bathroom processes can’t be improved with a little German engineering.Buttock spreader

Animal track footwear soles
For mere amusement, to hide one's tracks, or educating boy-scouts in the art of tracking wild animals, which are suffering depletion in the wild, these produce animal paw prints while you walk. They are available in wildcat or mountain lion flavours, too.Animal footprint soles

Self-containing enclosure for protection from killer bees
Not totally convincing in its claim that it is genuinely an enclosure for surviving an attack by a swarm of Killer Bees, but still, it does the job. These apoidea do not attack without provocation – and if one goes out in search of killer bees to harass, one does not take an enclosure for protection. This product clearly requires forethought, or a crippling fear of bees, or a fear of needles and a bee allergy. The whole thing just looks suspiciously like a body bag.

Tear-apart stress relief doll and method
This jobby is a referee-shaped doll providing a relief of tension induced from perceived or actual ‘bad calls’ by referees or umpires. It has a fabric outer surface (to minimise disembodied projectile damage), and Velcro-ed arms, legs and head so that once the anger has been vented, the reassembly of the doll is as easy as Mr Potato Head.

But wait! While the user is in such a fit of rage, the user must remember the set method of how best to maim the doll. “For a kicking penalty, the appropriate leg element can be torn off, and the remainder of the doll kicked towards a corner of the room” – but not in any other direction, or the method is deemed less than optimal. Oh dear.

Smoker’s hat
For the environmentally conscious smoker, the hat takes the carcinogenic air into the hat and then processes it with a filtration, purification and deionisation system, to eventually expel “filtered deodorized, deionized and optionally scented air from the hat.” Considerately classy.Smokers hat