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How To: Lunch like an 80s rockstar

Ad man Mike Hutcheson was in the agency game through the heady glory days of the 80s and lived to tell the tale. So if anyone knows how to do lunch, and do it like you mean it, he's the man with the plan. His top 10 rules to live and lunch by:

Ad man Mike Hutcheson was in the agency game through the heady glory days of the 80s and lived to tell the tale. So if anyone knows how to do lunch, and do it like you mean it, he's the man with the plan. His top 10 rules to live and lunch by:

1.    You are where you eat.

2. Where you eat is more important that what you eat. Being seen is more important than being fed.

3. Restauranting is an art form. If you think of food as fuel, join a gym and pig out on protein shakes. Restauranting’s true expression is as a social lubricator – it takes practice. True artists use it to build relationships and break down social barriers. But if the art is not mastered completely, it can cause marital breakdown and strife with the law.

4. The worst restaurants are those where you can park your Porsche outside. They’ll be full of property developers and car dealers who know it all, show it all, and owe it all. It only impresses 22-year-old bimbos.

5. Never ask for your ‘usual’ table,they might put you by the toilet.

6. If,by mistake or unavoidable circumstance, you’re at a provincial greasy-spoon truck-stop, run by an alcoholic cook dishonourably discharged from the navy, don’t send your steak back because you think it’s underdone. The cook will spit on it and send it back the way it was.

7. Never go to a revolving restaurant. These are full of men wearing imitation leather jackets and women in elastic-waisted skirts celebrating a wedding anniversary with their gum-chewing, mullet-cutted offspring.

8. Never order a food or wine you can’t pronounce, you’ll look like a dork trying. A tip: Viognier is pronounced Vee-on-e-yer, not Voyg-ner or Vinegar.

9. If the menu is printed in 2 Point Eyestrain, just order the chef’s special. It’s invariably good if the chef puts his name to it – if you can’t read the menu without your glasses, you risk ordering something that’ll make you gag.

10. Don’t go to a trendy restaurant that’s all glass and concrete. You won’t be able to hear yourself think. If you want to spend a couple of hours yelling in someone’s ear, go and visit your grandparents.