All about ... the iPad Mini

What commentators are already calling the final word in mobile computing – until the next one.

One of Steve Jobs's many eerily accurate prophesies was that a scaled down version of the iPad would only be released over his dead body. Earlier this year, just over a year after the Apple CEO was uploaded to the cloud, his successor announced the launch of the iPad Mini. Shrewd competitive response to an increasingly nimble Android tablet market? Or the next instalment in an evil master plan by optometrists hoping to profit from millions of Apple fans straining to read the small print? It's bound to be one of those. Read on, device aficionado, as we present, feature by feature, what industry commentators are already calling the final word in mobile computing until the next one.

Bluetooth: fun fact: short range wireless networking protocol Bluetooth was actually named after producer of pornographic (blue) movies, Jimmy "Tooth" Molar. These days it's a popular way to connect your iPad to a wireless keyboard with only a theoretical chance of interfering with the aircraft's navigation systems and condemning all aboard to a fiery but entertaining high resolution death.

Touch sensitive screen: early versions of the signature interface were discarded after testing proved them so sensitive they sulked for a month if you forgot their birthdays. Continuous improvements have reduced this to a week in the current model.

New, smaller design: now "only just a little bit too big to fit in a pocket"; a 15 percent improvement on the previous model's "way too big to fit in a pocket."

Built in GPS and turn by turn navigation: quirky and unreliable Apple Map application (known locally for Auckland's floating train station, among other howlers) included; now less likely to get you lost (or found) as the map is too small to see.

High resolution camera: but sorry, holding one of these up to take a picture at an event will still make you look like a dick.

Apple logo: excite with laser beam of correct frequency to see Princess Leia style holographic cry for help from Foxconn factory worker.

Unique mini USB and power adaptor: that's right, none of your current Apple cables will fit. Suggested solution: buy an iPhone 5 and own the only two devices on the planet to fit this shaped plug.

3G SIM slot: use it overseas to connect to mobile networks and allow amazingly fast downloads of your money into telcos' bank accounts.