Guaranteed accurate!*
* Actual guarantee may not exist
ARIES
3/21 – 4/19
Today is the day to put those long-held plans into action. You may be pleasantly surprised at your boss’s openness to casual horseplay.
TAURUS
4/20 – 5/20
Venus is in the cusp of Saturn, indicating your partner probably has one of those secret second families on the side. God knows why.
GEMINI
5/21 – 6/20
Gemini, it’s very unlikely your horoscope will be accurate.
CANCER
6/21 – 7/22
You will meet a tall, dark stranger. Probably either Cameron Slater or Drake.
LEO
7/23 – 8/22
Attention, Leos. Your car’s getting towed.
VIRGO
8/23 – 9/22
As Neptune and the moon align it makes sense to hand all company social media over to the interns and let the chips fall where they may.
LIBRA
9/23 – 10/21
Libras, when you were doing your taxes last March, you forgot to carry the one and now the police are actively looking for you. Luckily, you also spelt your address incorrectly, so now is the time to catch up with long-lost friends. Seriously, lay low for a while.
SCORPIO
10/22 – 11/21
Today is the day to send out that ‘all-staff’ email. Life is short. Tell them what you really think.
SAGITTARIUS
11/22 – 12/21
See Capricorn. It’s all the same.
CAPRICORN
12/22 – 1/19
Capricorns, you’ll find it difficult not to complete the sentence “In West Philadelphia, born and raised…”
AQUARIUS
1/20 – 2/18
February is a very lucky month for entrepreneurial Aquarians, so now’s the time to pay returns to current investors with capital coming in from new investors, rather than from profits already earned. Nothing can go wrong.
PISCES
2/19 – 3/20
This week the relative positions of celestial objects will have no influence on your life.
